Two days ago Twitter was hit with a nasty little virus that sent unauthorized tweets from numerous accounts. The tweets contained links to websites that, due to some super brilliant but obviously evil Java script, didn’t even need to be clicked on to be activated; all one had to do was hover with their cursor.

It seems as we’re right on schedule for the world ending in 2012 because, as I type, Facebook is DOWN. People all over the world are contemplating having real life conversations to the warm bodies sitting next to them.

When you work in social media and update fan pages, tweet, and monitor the web for a living, these things cut to the heart. I sent an email to my clients about Twitter earlier this week and found myself penning yet another “Don’t panic, but…” email a few moments ago.

One must wonder…If Facebook and Twitter were to collide and explode, raining hot, glittery @ symbols down on all of us in some kind of internets catastrophe, what would I do for a living? And what would be worth doing if I didn’t have a community of acquaintances to share it with?

What would I do with my photos? Print them out and put them in a cardboard and plastic album to be inevitably destroyed by a flood or house fire? I think not. They’re only safe on Facebook.

If Facebook really is dead, I’m willing to take the responsibility of writing its obituary.

Facebook: February 2004 to  September 2010

“Friend” to many. You will be missed.

Facebook, you allowed me to work, share and have passive-aggressive relationships with people that live thousands of miles away from me. I’ve stalked, compared, laughed, and psychoanalyzed your masses up and down the blue and white seemingly endless pages.

You were a time drain, Facebook, but made up for it by helping millions of people fine tune the arts of technological voyeurism and lazy activism (why attend a rally when you can share on a link). I like you, Facebook. The real “like” not the like button like. Not because of who you were, but because of who you weren’t: a demand. Unlike real life, you required nothing of me but mini-expressions of my stream of consciousness and then you published my mental ejaculations, catapulting them from emotional dribblings to News.

Thank you for that.

Facebook, if you were a real person you’d be a cross between an I-can-find-no-fault-with-you mother and best-friend-with-low-self-esteem-who-secretly-has-a-crush-on-me. You’re free and always ready to give me something whether it’s a judgment confirmation (“I knew I liked her” or, “Gosh, he sucks a bit more every day”) or a rabbit hole of a link to something interesting, funny, and shocking, but not at all important.

I think I’ll be okay without you Facebook but I’m worried about the world. There are some people still waiting to see what the father wrote on his daughter’s wall to make her commit suicide. Without you, these people might start voting in public elections. That’s terrifying.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice afterlife. I’m guessing you’re in heaven having so many connections and all.

xox Bunmi (profile ID: 34590802843)